so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
