if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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