My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
