I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
