Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
