You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
