Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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