I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
