When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
