he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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