I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
