The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
