Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
