i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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