yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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