Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
