Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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