Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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