shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
