I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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