i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
