my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
don't judge my taste in strippers
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
