I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it's like iHOP with fire
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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