Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
