i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize