I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
