yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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