I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
