Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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