after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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