apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
