Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
God, I missed his penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
