new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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