he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
