If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
