I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
