hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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