Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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