I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
