I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
