Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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