have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
