I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
