Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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