sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
