I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
