you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
