I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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