I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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