capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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