I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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