Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
