I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
