Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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