You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
