I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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