I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
