I accidentally had phone sex last night
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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