Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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